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Sunday, August 29, 2010

We Sha Ova Cums Sum Daya (A New Version of "We Shall Overcome")

As I marched with the National Action Network on Saturday, August 28, 2010, to reclaim the dream of Martin Luther King Jr., I could not help but be haunted by the ignorantic beside me who was singing what he believed to be "We Shall Overcome". The only way that I could maintain my sanity was to continue to think about Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech and its impact on this country. Moreover, as I marched shoulder to shoulder with the worse singer on the planet who was butchering one of the greatest songs ever written, I had to ponder whether MLK Jr. was thinking about ignorantics in his "I Have A Dream" speech. The answer to that question became immediately clear when I recalled the first sentence of Dr. King's speech: I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. The greatest demonstration for freedom for the ignorantic is the freedom to express themselves incorrectly with joy.

Now, I did not have a computer with me during the march, but I did have my smartphone; so, I typed and walked as he sang ignorantically:

We sha ova cums
We sha ova cums
We sha ova cums
Sum Daya

O, O, O Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We can walk hands and hands
We can walk hands and hands
We can walk hands and hands
Sum daya

O, O, O Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We sha alk be fee
We sha alk be fee
We sha alk be fee
We sha alk be fee
Sum daya
 
O, O, O Deeps in my har
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We are not a fade
We are not a fade
We are not a fade
Sum daya

O, O, O Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We are not alona
We are not alona
We are not alona
Sum daya

O, O, O, Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

I tried to stay true to the phonetic interpretation of his song as closely as possible. You have to remember that it was hot outside, and I only had two bottles of water. So, during his rendition of this song, I did slip in and out of subterranean consciousness. He literally sang me into a negro spiritual coma.

I do not offer any explanation for the butchery of this beautiful song. I did not dare ask why he sang the way he did. Quite frankly, I was afraid of what he would say had I asked. The answer may have been more ignorantical than the lyrics to his song. So, all I can tell you is that he sang with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Like most ignorantics, he was happy being incorrect, blissfully happy. He felt good about his mispronunciations that only got louder and louder with each chorus. I honestly do not believe that he meant any harm by his ignorantics. He was at peace, and he believed that he was making a contribution to the mood of hundreds of marchers within earshot. I know that in the future, I will never be the same every time I hear the song. However, deep in my heart, I do believe that [I] we shall overcome someday! ©2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Bring Da Ambalamps!

Leave it to an ignorantic to make up a word for the emergency vehicle that gets them to the hospital. When we use the word, it is called an ambulance but to a chronic ignorantic, it is called an ambalamps. Let's break this down ignorantic style [AM - BA - LAMPS]. Now, let's break it down for us [ AM- BU- LANCE]. Do you see any similarities? Well, the similarities stop with "AM"...after that, the word "ambalamps" just becomes a work of fiction.


Toddlers were taught about emergency vehicles like police cars, fire engines, and the ambulance. It was a challenge for the toddler to say the word, but they said it, and eventually, before grade school, they made "ambulance" a part of their vocabulary. However, when an ignorantic is taught this word, they struggle with the "bu" because it sounds like "Boo" and "lance" because it is someone's name. Remember, pronunciation for the ignorantic becomes synonymous with word association. So, if they want to call an ambulance, it is confusing for them to have to think of someone's "Boo" named "Lance". Therefore, rather than attempt the correct pronunciation, they create a word that is comfortable and simple to say...something like AM BA LAMPS. Makes sense right?

 


When this ignorantic got the tar beat out of him on a public bus by a 67 year old man, he was asked if he was "ok". He replied "No, bring da ambalamps". Thus, the resurgence of the ignorantic term "ambalamps". It has now become a word entry in the urban dictionary and a source for YouTube virility and remixes.

Now, if you have never heard this term used by an ignorantic, then "congradulations", you may be in the ignorantic-free zone!
©2010

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jewelry Duty Can Be a Very Rewarding Experience...for the Ignorantic

Have you ever been on jewelry duty? I haven't, but plenty of ignorantics have been on jewelry duty. By now, those of you who know how to speak English are saying to yourself "jewelry duty"? That's a novel idea, I guess? what is it? I feel your pain. When you are not an ignorantic, the first thing you do is to try to rationalize what an ignorantic says...since jewelry is a word, he or she must be talking about a jewelry marathon or maybe a jewelry party, right? WRONG. It's not until you hear the next two sentences that you realize that you have been assaulted by an ignorantic: "I love sitting on the jewelry...it was fun!" "...jewelry duty lasted a few weeks and the lawyers really knew what they were doing".

I will give you a minute to process it. I know...all this time you were thinking about jewelry, the ignorantic was talking about jury duty. Go on...shake your head; it is astonishing how they can take a word with a completely different meaning and stick it where it does not belong. Here is the difficult thing for the ignorantic: trying to reconcile "jewel" with "jur-". It is difficult for the ignorantic because it is about sound. To the ignorantic, jewel and jury, sound alike, therefore they should be used interchangably. Makes sense, right?

Ok, enough of these ignorantics...let's try to focus on intervention. How can we lovingly condemn this speech or at least the use of one word in place of the other. I have an idea. Let's start with props...jewelry. The next time someone mentions that they were on jewelry duty, grab them by the hand, point to your watch, ring, or bracelet, and look them in the eye and say "this is jewelry"; you were on on jury duty. Now, you will have to give them a minute to process what you have just told them. You just gave them a linguistic epideral in the spine. It is going to hurt initially, but eventually the pain will dissipate, and then they will be numb. The numbness comes from the ignorance, so maybe this will require some additional time. Eventually, they will maintain eye contact with you, blink a few times, and then say the words you were yearning for "I meant to say jury". Feeling the euphoria? You should...you just witnessed someone come out of a ignorantic coma. The jury initially will come out a little sketchy because for many ignorantics, it will be their first time uttering the word. You must be patient with them. This is rehab. It will not happen overnight. Other than Google, occasionally spellcheck and grammar check, a firm hand from a friend with a good dose of the truth (or in this instance, the right word) is the only methadone they will receive.

Once they utter the word, "jury", you must continue to point to your jewelry so they know that they cannot backslide. Say this: "You were on JURY duty Miss Pronounce, not JEWELRY [pointing to your bracelet] duty! Ok? Repeat at least (5) times...[breathe] It will be alright, but don't take my word for it, just [axe] your non-ignorantic friends! ©2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

Have You Ever Seent People Kilt Dead?

I don't know about y'all but when ignorantics fall into the verb tense category, I am reaching for my Goody Powder. Making an already past tense verb more past tense is an ignorantic's favorite. Of course, this is something that can be picked up during a grammar check in WORD or in most free email accounts like Gmail, Yahoo, MSN, and the like, but it doesn't stop them...nothing will.

Let's talk about grammar check. Remember grammar check picks up words that fall in a sentence that are not grammatically correct. This confuses the ignorantic because the grammar check produces "green" highlights. In the simplest of ways, "green" to an ignorantic means "go"; Not stop ("red") or caution ("yellow"). Accordingly, when an ignorantic types a grammatically incorrect sentence, grammar check gives them the green light to hack the English language to a bloody pulp!

Ok...so you say, I can accept that for written speech; what about oral speech? How can one possibly get away with using the word "seent"? Does it sound like anything else? Is it a popular term? Does it rhyme with any candy or object that brings pleasure? No...No...No...then why in the name of all that is good for average English-speaking citizens would someone say "seent"? The answer is quite simple...because they can! Don't forget that an ignorantic always favors the "t" over any other letter because it produces emphasis. When you are an ignorantic, you want to sound educated and nothing says educated more than a "t". The "t" creates the illusion that you are correct; you are articulate, you are in control! So, if you "seent" someone, it sounds much better than the boring, yet correct, "saw" or "seen".

Now, let's move on to the double layering of ignorantics. No good ignorantic worth its salt will commit a single ignorantic...it must be at least a double. A double in the same sentence for effect. Therefore, when you hear that the ignorantic "seent someone kilt dead", you immediately blink your eyes to get rid of the gloss over, adjust your neck, and quietly begin your convalescence. I know its not easy but ignorantics make it hard for those of use who know that "kilt" is a Scottish  knee-high garment. The fact that "kilt" is a garment, as opposed to a verb never occurred to an ignorantic because they don't know about Scotland. So, if you don't know, then what do you do? You go out on the limb and create words, speak them consistently and refutably without fear of retribution.

Trying to correct the ignorantic becomes troublesome as well. You will conjugate with them, start with prefixes, use flash cards, and as a last resort...the mirror. I've said in previous posts that the mirror usually breaks the ignorantic. Only because it is the first opportunity for them to see that which they speak. The ignorantic can stand in front of a mirror, smile and say that they "seent someone kilt dead". When this happens, usually there is some sort of visceral, involuntary response like a twitch or a blink which signifies to most of us that the ignorantic realizes they just said something that was grammatically incorrect. However, its not that simple. Most ignorantics suffer from non-verbal ticks because of their abuse of the English language. If you love an ignorantic and you don't want them to drop the "seent" or "kilt" bomb at a public dinner with friends, a political fundraiser, a classroom, in a Powerpoint, or a group prayer [i.e.,Lord, you've seent the worst of me, there have been others who have tried to kilt my spirit but I know that you have seent me through this -this was a real prayer that I heard on a prayer line], listen to what I am about to say. You cannot get creative while trying to correct them; it will only confuse them, especially if you use comparisons that have become too familiar. For example, when trying to correct the use of the word "kilt" as a verb and knowing that the ignorantic does not know about Scotland, please do not bring up Scotch. That is a liquor that will evoke euphoria instead of disdain. Mentioning liquor will make them think of happy times, and you will continue to hear "kilt" when you least expect it.


Therefore, if anyone of you witness or seent someone kilt dead, please call the police or the "ambalamps" as soon as possible!

Here's an afterthought: Can you kill someone once they are already dead? I'm just saying...
©2010