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Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Years!!!!

How many times have you heard an ignorantic wish you a "HAPPY NEW YEARS!"? I know...so many times that you can't count the ways; well, I for one am getting sick of the ignorantical salutation...I just wonder how many years are they talking about? five? ten? twenty new years? Is there a limit to the wishes or is there an infinite amount? Don't they know that each year, you can only wish someone a Happy New Year one year at a time?

Now, don't try to get cute with me and mention the phrase "Happy New Year's Day"....NOT THE SAME! This is referring to the day, January 1, not the salutation that everyone drunk and/or sober blurts out during parties! Shame on you Ignorantics for carrying on this tradition, and you cannot "blame it on the alcohol"! SMH all the way into 2011 at this one!

Happy New Year to all my Ignorantics readers!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Eva Bin to Walmarx?

This retailer is a social networking onsite location for Ignorantics. They can dress the way they want, play the way the want, and butcher the King's English anywhere in the store. The thing I find really offensive about the Ignorantic connection with Walmart is that the Ignorantic refers to "Walmart" as "Walmarx"....[blank stare]

Why you say? Well, because they can and to this day, it goes unchecked. I don't know about y'all, but the next time someone calls this store Walmarx, I am going to refer them to customer service.

Is Steve Harvey an Ignorantic?

This SNL spoof needs no introduction or commentary. I have only one question: Is Steve Harvey an Ignorantic?
Watch: SNL Spoof on Steve Harvey

Monday, December 27, 2010

According to Mary J Blige, Tina Mari Passed Away Yesterday

On December 26, 2010, a music legend passed away...her name was
Mary Christine Brockert aka "Teena Marie". She is being referred to as the "Ivory Queen of Soul", a reference that I think is quite fitting for this talented artist/songwriter/musician. Teena Marie's music is timeless and her legacy will be unchallenged. I am one of the biggest Teena Marie fans on the planet. This is why I am blogging about the Ignorantic Tweeter pictured to the left, Mary J Blige.

Once the news of Teena Marie's death hit Twitter, immediately people began tweeting their condolences. Mary J Blige was among those people who wanted to express her sorrow upon the passing of Teena Marie:

Tina Mari inspired me vocally as a child. Her songs I sang in the mirror with a hair brush. I'm so hurt.

I'll love u forever Tina Mari. Portuguese Love, Casanova Brown, Square Biz, I need your lovin, all of your music

In my heart she's Tina, So rest in peace Tina, i love u. Every girl that grew up in the hood , with her (cont

Rest in peace Teena Mari. My Love love for u is forever.
Ok...earth to Mary J Blige...earth to Mary J. Blige..."Teena Marie" passed away NOT "Tina Mari" Moreover, nothing says Ignorantic more than repetition. Ignorantics are famous for repeating ignorantics in succession as if they are correct. It begs the question, if you are such a fan, why then don't you know the correct spelling of the artist's name. Well, apparently, Teena's fans did not take too kindly to these ignorantics either and began tweeting the following:

@MrPeteyWheat: Show ya love Marey Jay!! --> RT @maryjblige: I'll love u forever Tina Mari.

@Royal_Flyness: How do u feel about Teena Marie tho? -->RT @maryjblige: Tina Mari inspired me vocally as a child.

@LirisC : Last time we're gonna teach this class...its TEENA MARIE.....

@ElliottWilson: RT @maryjblige: Rest in peace Teena Mari. My Love love for u is forever. <-----(You Gettin' closer Mary!)

@Royal_Flyness: Almost Mary, almost ---> RT @maryjblige: Rest in peace Teena Mari. My Love love for u is forever.

@Royal_Flyness: Yea, she was MJB's friend --->RT @JasFly: Did 'Tina Marie' pass away yesterday as well? Cuz there's a lot of you expressing condolences for her

@aaaye_iTSKENDRA : Can we say "slaughtered?" RT @maryjblige: In my heart she's Tina, So rest in peace Tina, i love u.

@RBinJZ : Teena Marie, sheesh! #becarefulwhospeaksforyou --->RT @maryjblige Tina Mari inspired me vocally as a child. Her songs I sang in the mirror...

@jaybendy: SPELL the womans name right Mary!!! ---->RT @maryjblige: Rest in peace Teena Mari. My Love love for u is forever.

@Rojjy: You fail 3 times @maryjblige *hangs head in shame*


@MusicSoulRebel: I love @Nelly_Mo & @Maryjblige but why are celebrities calling @MsTeenaMarie...Tina Marie???? I thought yall knew her

@poeticjoia : @maryjblige it's spelled Teena Marie

@JayZNation: How many times is @maryjblige gonna misspell Teena Marie's name? We're on misspelling 4 now.

@K_Mapp: Teena Marie died too. ---->RT @maryjblige: Tina Mari inspired me vocally
So, what is the lesson learned here? Before you write a condolence note or message, please take the time to learn the correct spelling of the person's name. It is a bit disingenuous to claim to love and adore someone's work and you spell that person's name incorrectly not once, not twice, but three times! It was such as flagrant oversight or gaffe, Rolling Stones Magazine printed it unedited: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/mary-j-blige-alicia-keys-pay-tribute-to-teena-marie-20101227

The second lesson, and this is the most important one...all Ignorantics should avoid Twitter like the plague! There are no editing mechanisms on Twitter; no spellcheck, no grammar check...just a perfect opportunity to join huge vacuum of free unrelenting thought, ignorance, and plenty of space and room for virtual breeding with fellow ignorantics. I have attempted to put up a firewall on Twitter by opening up a Twitter account, but I cannot compete with ignorantic trending on Twitter that is far too vast and more powerful than I had ever imagined.

So, I am asking all of my Twitter followers and Ignorantics readers to start throwing virtual blocks and elbows at Twittering Ignorantics and put them in check like the Tweeters quoted above. Your not hurting them; you are helping them.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Eva had a Nalader?

When I was a little girl, we used to eat these candies everyday...my favorite flavors were Apple and Banana. In the 70's, they were called "Now and Later" candy. In fact, if you purchased them today, they are still called "Now and Later". However, that has not stopped the generational ignorantics from calling these little darlings, a "Nalader".

Today, I received a text from a friend who told me that a professional athlete called this candy "Naladers"...some of you need not recoil and act surprised because you have been saying "Naladers" for decades without rebuff. It is wrong and you know it is wrong!

All this talk about candy does conjure up memories of candies from my past...so here it is...enjoy: Old Time Candy

Thursday, December 23, 2010

This is the Time of the Year When All of Your Ants & Uncles Gather for Christmas

Christmas is that time of the year when you gather with friends and family to celebrate the season. You might see relatives that you have not seen in a long time. Usually, a good time is had by all...

I particularly love Christmas because it is one of those rare moments when all of my aunts are together in one room. Now, I said my "aunts", but at an Ignorantic Christmas celebration, your aunts are referred to as "ants". That's right, I said it and many of you say it too..."Merry Christmas Ant Charlotte"!

Oh Merrillan, My Merrillan....

Ever been to Baltimore, Merrillan? Well, Ignorantics sponsor bus tours there on a regular, and they seem to like the landscape!  Now, I was born and raised in Baltimore, Maryland (and by the way, some Ignorantics call it Ballmore-but that is another post), so I can honestly say that I have not lived or worked in Merrillan. I can claim a few Baltimore-originated Ignorantics but not this one. This is truly a "SMH" moment...I thought Merlyn was a magician?

Monday, December 20, 2010

Every Home Should Have a Secuzzi?

Whirlpool tubs, Jacuzzi tubs, hot tubs.....they are called many things by many different people, but some Ignorantics call them a secuzzi. Yes, that's right, I said a secuzzi. Now, this is not something you will hear in a foreign country or just in the South...you will hear it anywhere; in the club, in the hair salon, in school, among academics, during family discussions...and everyone seemingly knows that it is incorrect. After all, what is a secuzzi? When you "Google" the word, the suggestion "scuzz" or "scuzzy" presents as a possible search result. Ironic isn't it...that the closest search term to one of the most misused words in the ignorantic lanuguage  is defined as:   

–adjective, scuzz·i·er, scuzz·i·est. Slang . dirty, grimy, sordid, or repulsive; disgusting.

 
Since logic is rare when ignorantics speak incorrectly, must I point out what may be a bit of a breakthrough for the ignorantic with this word?...might they be trying to say that a jacuzzi tub is nasty, grimy, repulsive and dirty? Did you know that when you use a jacuzzi tub...:
 scum, dirt, skin cells, oils, and other residues build up, not only on the surface of the tub, but also in the mechanical parts the water comes in contact with. These mix with the minerals in the water and form scale deposits. The smooth surfaces that once let the bacteria slide off, now collect the bacteria and give it a place to grow and contaminate the water. The warm, dark plumbing inside the Jacuzzi provides an ideal breeding ground for microorganisms that can cause bladder, kidney, vaginal, skin, respiratory, and eye infections, just to name a few.
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/2010768/how_to_care_for_a_jacuzzi_tub_pg2.html

Yikes! In an attempt to try to figure out the correlation between jacuzzi and secuzzi, I have managed to unearth the reason why I don't want to own one! Y'all keep your dirty secuzzis and I'll stick to my old fashion bathtub!

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Murry Crissmus Ignorantics!

Happy Holidays!

Well, that is what you say when you are an ignorantic...wanna know why? 'Cause you cannot pronounce "Merry Christmas"...do you think I am exaggerating? Go to your mirror in the bathroom and say "Merry Christmas"...if you have to repeat this salutation, then you should just move on to "Happy Holidays"....'cause most of y'all say "Murry Crissmus" and you know you do!

The Best Christmas Gift for an Ignorantic! [Just Send this Page Link to Them]










Happy Berfday! Raise Your Glass & Toast With Some Licka!

Isn't it shameful that ignorantics can't pronounce "th"? I know that this is a particular point of contention for toddlers and some grade school kids, but grown folks saying "berfday"? Thank goodness the bakeries know how to spell or else there would be a whole bunch of berfday cakes out there! I think if I were to see a berfday cake, I would need to drink some "licka"...oops, I mean liquor!

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Have You Ever Been Through Tribals and Tribulations?

You can't say that ignorantics aren't poetic! "Tribals and Tribulations"?...Yikes, alliteration at it's worst! Who else but an ignorantic would say that they have been through many "tribals and tribulations"?

Unfortunately, the younger ignorantics have the ignorantic base on LOCK. They control the creativity and brevity of ignoranticism. It used to be about ignorance, now it is an art. There is absolutely no correlation between "trials and tribulations" and "tribals and tribulations". NONE. So, what are we talking about? It is scary to think that this could be an art, but I am beginning to think that it may be heading in that direction...almost like a movement. The Renaissance?

Remember the Tea Party at it's inception? Just a small annoyance; one election later and now we have Senator Tea Party. Could we be looking to elect our first Ignorantic Representative or Senator? Are there elected Congressman in there right now hiding under their college-educated pages? 

I'd like to say that this was said by a ignorant person, but it was a graduate student. A person with a bachelor's degree who was working towards a Master's degree...and to add insult to injury, the person also wrote a note to me with the same message. Thus, this ignorantic fell right through the grammatical colander and landed on a sheet of paper.

So, if you have ever been through tribals and tribulations, and you are ready to give up; do us all a favor and smoke a "piece" pipe before you utter these words again!

Where You At?

Ignorantics love to play hide and seek...however, they have difficulty with prepositional phrases, therefore, whenever an ignorantic asks you "where you at?" You should help them out by saying "behind the preposition...you found me AND I'm a NOUN!"

If you get that blank stare...then just give up.

Who Says Young Ignorantics Can't Be Closet Racists?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Sometimes An Eraser Can Be a Reformed Ignorantic's Best Friend

I don't know about you, but I could just get waisted...oops, I mean wasted, by just looking at this sign again and again!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Hot off the Press: The New "N" Word!

There has been quite a bit of press about the "N" Word over the past few years. Some comedians have vowed never to use the word. Organizations like the NAACP have organized campaigns to abolish its use. Lately, whenever a public figure or entertainer utters the word, there is a huge public outcry followed by carefully worded apologies and contrition.

...but what really gulls me is when there is no public outcry when an Ignorantic drops the "N" bomb. Shouldn't we get an apology? Shouldn't there be a public statement read that shows remorse for the act. Now, I know what you are thinking, but I am not about to go there with this post. I am talking about the ignorantics' "N Word"....well, it's actually not a word, it is part of a word. It's a shortcut; a drop off; lazy speech; it kinda just hangs on the word...you all have heard it before, right? Here it is:
  • I have noth'n to say
  • Where are you go'n?
  • Oh, no she di'n!
  • I can't stand all this wait'n!
  • Are you com'n?
  • I'm just say'n
  • Stop complain'n
  • I'm fit'n to come to your house
  • She was driv'n her new car
  • I know she ain't tell'n all my business
  • What chu eat'n?
So, now that you have heard some of my "N" Words, feel free to comment and add more "N" words after reading this blog.

We must put an end to the use of the "N" words!

Thursday, November 25, 2010

HAPPY FANKSGIVING!

The first ignorantic has just been committed during the holidays. I had to make a last minute run to the grocery store this morning and the cashier wished me a "Happy Fanksgiving"! Who says that you have to be correct when wishing someone well on a holiday? Is there a rule for that? Apparently NOT. Why use the "th" when the "f" is so much easier to pronounce? 

Never met an ignorantic that wasn't happy! Wrong but happy! Remember, ignorantics never take off for the holidays!


Happy Thanksgiving to all of my Ignorantics readers!

Monday, November 15, 2010

So...Alaska's Chief Ignorantic is Getting a New Offer She Can't Refudiate!

http://news.yahoo.com/s/yblog_theticket/20101115/pl_yblog_theticket/almost-5-million-people-watched-sarah-palins-alaska

The New Oxford American Dictionary has named "refudiate" 2010's Word of the Year. This is the academy award for ignorantics. Getting acknowledgement from a reputable dictionary can and will set an ignorantic back years. I hope there is someone in Palin's camp who will be able to handle the possible blowback from this honor. It will undoubtedly do her more harm than good. It may even lead to a Palin Dictionary...[a moment of silence]


Why can't more mainstream ignorantics get a nod in the Webster-Merriam or Oxford American Dictionary? The words we create are much more creative, aren't they?...I'm moving to Alaska!

Saturday, November 13, 2010

I Never Met a KennyGarten Child I Didn't Like!

How many of you have children who either went to kennygarten or kindergarden? Believe it or not both terms are synonymous in the ignorantic's world...and yes, they do co-exist.

There is no rhyme or reason to its use. It is just an ignorantic word staple that is embedded deep into the fabric of society.

Don't "ack" like you don't say it! LOL!

"Come Clam Up into My Cheer Little Boy"

I am starting this blog post with a question? Should Santa be required to speak correctly? I mean, when we employ the mall Santas, or any Santa for that matter, should they be subjected to a speech test? Educational requirements (which quite frankly doesn't mean much these days as most ignorantics have college degrees)?Ok...but nothing really difficult; just an examination on average conversations...subject/verb agreement...verb tense...for example, like the proper way to invite a child to sit on your lap.

Now, we all are familiar with seafood. Personally, my familiarity with seafood stops at sight because I am allergic to seafood. However, I do know what "clams" look like, and I do know that "clams" are seafood. Furthermore, I know that during the holidays, most people are filled with holiday "cheer" and the Christmas spirit. However, as we begin the Christmas season in a few weeks, I am reminded of a Santa Claus who met my son last year at the local mall. My son really wanted to talk to Santa so I finally took him over to the Santa, and Santa shouted "Hey little boy, come `clam' up into my `cheer' and tell me what Santa can bring you!" My son, being the child of a reformed ignorantic, very boldly remarked "clam? you are so silly Santa Clause, I don't want any clams?" Then, the Santa looked up at me with that "deer in the headlights" look and said "Did I say clam...I meant to say `clambed'"

[***blank stare*** and a pause for a station break or medication]

Yes...he went there...; he put an incorrect word into past tense when speaking in the present tense. No, he made up a word. No, he improperly used a noun and made it into a verb incorrectly...No, he did what all ignorantics do...he said what flowed off his tongue, what was familiar to him, what he heard over and over in his environment, and he did it on Christmas Eve!

Although its a little early to be telling a Christmas story. I hope I didn't ruin your Christmas cheer...I would hate to interfere with any child's ability to clam into Santa's lap and tell him what he or she wants for Christmas.

Thanksgiving is on a Thirsty!

Breaking News!!!! According to the young woman pumping gas next to me this morning, Thanksgiving is on a Thirsty!

I asked her to repeat the statement and like a true ignorantic, she repeated it with emphasis "I SAID, Thanksgiving is on a T-H-I-R-S-T-E-E"! To which I replied, "Oh, snap, I thought it was on a Friday this year"...she then said, "No, gurl, Black Friday is on a Friday!"

Stopped pumping gas. Got receipt. Closed my door. Headed home. Laid down.

Now, where is my bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Hello Everyone...Meet La-a!



This caption speaks for itself. Ignorantics is now hemorrhaging into name selection. I hope this is not the real picture of this child.
 



















Ok...who said ignorantics can't incorporate punctuation into their language. Well, here it is right here. "The dash don't be silent!" This child's name is La-a (pronounced Ledasha). This is a little scary because it is another level of ignorantics that I rarely ever see: ignorantical punctuation. I do have one suggestion for family members, hospital personnel, vital records representatives, and/or anyone who may come in contact with an ignorantic while they are in the process of name selection. Explain to the person selecting the name that if they have to explain the name by asking English-speaking people to ignore the rules of grammar and punctuation, they should abandon the name. If that doesn't work, take the steps to spell the name correctly, defying the ignorantic and saving the life of the child. Chances are the won't ever glance at the birth certificate again.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Palin May Have Set Things in Motion for a Historical Breakthrough!

This morning, I was reading that Merriam-Webster may in the near future place "accepted" words or strange hybrids in the dictionary. All of this prompted by one of the most popular political Ignorantics, Sarah Palin. WOW, who would have thunk it! Her little ignorantic this summer, "refudiate" is Merriam-Webster's "Word of the Summer" and it is not a word!

I guess you could say that's one small step for Merriam-Webster; one giant leap for Ignorantics!....Here is the link to the article: http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/2684990,CST-NWS-palinword08.article

Sunday, August 29, 2010

We Sha Ova Cums Sum Daya (A New Version of "We Shall Overcome")

As I marched with the National Action Network on Saturday, August 28, 2010, to reclaim the dream of Martin Luther King Jr., I could not help but be haunted by the ignorantic beside me who was singing what he believed to be "We Shall Overcome". The only way that I could maintain my sanity was to continue to think about Martin Luther King Jr.'s speech and its impact on this country. Moreover, as I marched shoulder to shoulder with the worse singer on the planet who was butchering one of the greatest songs ever written, I had to ponder whether MLK Jr. was thinking about ignorantics in his "I Have A Dream" speech. The answer to that question became immediately clear when I recalled the first sentence of Dr. King's speech: I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation. The greatest demonstration for freedom for the ignorantic is the freedom to express themselves incorrectly with joy.

Now, I did not have a computer with me during the march, but I did have my smartphone; so, I typed and walked as he sang ignorantically:

We sha ova cums
We sha ova cums
We sha ova cums
Sum Daya

O, O, O Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We can walk hands and hands
We can walk hands and hands
We can walk hands and hands
Sum daya

O, O, O Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We sha alk be fee
We sha alk be fee
We sha alk be fee
We sha alk be fee
Sum daya
 
O, O, O Deeps in my har
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We are not a fade
We are not a fade
We are not a fade
Sum daya

O, O, O Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

We are not alona
We are not alona
We are not alona
Sum daya

O, O, O, Deeps in my hard
I kill believe dat
We sha ova cums
Sum daya

I tried to stay true to the phonetic interpretation of his song as closely as possible. You have to remember that it was hot outside, and I only had two bottles of water. So, during his rendition of this song, I did slip in and out of subterranean consciousness. He literally sang me into a negro spiritual coma.

I do not offer any explanation for the butchery of this beautiful song. I did not dare ask why he sang the way he did. Quite frankly, I was afraid of what he would say had I asked. The answer may have been more ignorantical than the lyrics to his song. So, all I can tell you is that he sang with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. Like most ignorantics, he was happy being incorrect, blissfully happy. He felt good about his mispronunciations that only got louder and louder with each chorus. I honestly do not believe that he meant any harm by his ignorantics. He was at peace, and he believed that he was making a contribution to the mood of hundreds of marchers within earshot. I know that in the future, I will never be the same every time I hear the song. However, deep in my heart, I do believe that [I] we shall overcome someday! ©2010

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Bring Da Ambalamps!

Leave it to an ignorantic to make up a word for the emergency vehicle that gets them to the hospital. When we use the word, it is called an ambulance but to a chronic ignorantic, it is called an ambalamps. Let's break this down ignorantic style [AM - BA - LAMPS]. Now, let's break it down for us [ AM- BU- LANCE]. Do you see any similarities? Well, the similarities stop with "AM"...after that, the word "ambalamps" just becomes a work of fiction.


Toddlers were taught about emergency vehicles like police cars, fire engines, and the ambulance. It was a challenge for the toddler to say the word, but they said it, and eventually, before grade school, they made "ambulance" a part of their vocabulary. However, when an ignorantic is taught this word, they struggle with the "bu" because it sounds like "Boo" and "lance" because it is someone's name. Remember, pronunciation for the ignorantic becomes synonymous with word association. So, if they want to call an ambulance, it is confusing for them to have to think of someone's "Boo" named "Lance". Therefore, rather than attempt the correct pronunciation, they create a word that is comfortable and simple to say...something like AM BA LAMPS. Makes sense right?

 


When this ignorantic got the tar beat out of him on a public bus by a 67 year old man, he was asked if he was "ok". He replied "No, bring da ambalamps". Thus, the resurgence of the ignorantic term "ambalamps". It has now become a word entry in the urban dictionary and a source for YouTube virility and remixes.

Now, if you have never heard this term used by an ignorantic, then "congradulations", you may be in the ignorantic-free zone!
©2010

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Jewelry Duty Can Be a Very Rewarding Experience...for the Ignorantic

Have you ever been on jewelry duty? I haven't, but plenty of ignorantics have been on jewelry duty. By now, those of you who know how to speak English are saying to yourself "jewelry duty"? That's a novel idea, I guess? what is it? I feel your pain. When you are not an ignorantic, the first thing you do is to try to rationalize what an ignorantic says...since jewelry is a word, he or she must be talking about a jewelry marathon or maybe a jewelry party, right? WRONG. It's not until you hear the next two sentences that you realize that you have been assaulted by an ignorantic: "I love sitting on the jewelry...it was fun!" "...jewelry duty lasted a few weeks and the lawyers really knew what they were doing".

I will give you a minute to process it. I know...all this time you were thinking about jewelry, the ignorantic was talking about jury duty. Go on...shake your head; it is astonishing how they can take a word with a completely different meaning and stick it where it does not belong. Here is the difficult thing for the ignorantic: trying to reconcile "jewel" with "jur-". It is difficult for the ignorantic because it is about sound. To the ignorantic, jewel and jury, sound alike, therefore they should be used interchangably. Makes sense, right?

Ok, enough of these ignorantics...let's try to focus on intervention. How can we lovingly condemn this speech or at least the use of one word in place of the other. I have an idea. Let's start with props...jewelry. The next time someone mentions that they were on jewelry duty, grab them by the hand, point to your watch, ring, or bracelet, and look them in the eye and say "this is jewelry"; you were on on jury duty. Now, you will have to give them a minute to process what you have just told them. You just gave them a linguistic epideral in the spine. It is going to hurt initially, but eventually the pain will dissipate, and then they will be numb. The numbness comes from the ignorance, so maybe this will require some additional time. Eventually, they will maintain eye contact with you, blink a few times, and then say the words you were yearning for "I meant to say jury". Feeling the euphoria? You should...you just witnessed someone come out of a ignorantic coma. The jury initially will come out a little sketchy because for many ignorantics, it will be their first time uttering the word. You must be patient with them. This is rehab. It will not happen overnight. Other than Google, occasionally spellcheck and grammar check, a firm hand from a friend with a good dose of the truth (or in this instance, the right word) is the only methadone they will receive.

Once they utter the word, "jury", you must continue to point to your jewelry so they know that they cannot backslide. Say this: "You were on JURY duty Miss Pronounce, not JEWELRY [pointing to your bracelet] duty! Ok? Repeat at least (5) times...[breathe] It will be alright, but don't take my word for it, just [axe] your non-ignorantic friends! ©2010

Friday, August 20, 2010

Have You Ever Seent People Kilt Dead?

I don't know about y'all but when ignorantics fall into the verb tense category, I am reaching for my Goody Powder. Making an already past tense verb more past tense is an ignorantic's favorite. Of course, this is something that can be picked up during a grammar check in WORD or in most free email accounts like Gmail, Yahoo, MSN, and the like, but it doesn't stop them...nothing will.

Let's talk about grammar check. Remember grammar check picks up words that fall in a sentence that are not grammatically correct. This confuses the ignorantic because the grammar check produces "green" highlights. In the simplest of ways, "green" to an ignorantic means "go"; Not stop ("red") or caution ("yellow"). Accordingly, when an ignorantic types a grammatically incorrect sentence, grammar check gives them the green light to hack the English language to a bloody pulp!

Ok...so you say, I can accept that for written speech; what about oral speech? How can one possibly get away with using the word "seent"? Does it sound like anything else? Is it a popular term? Does it rhyme with any candy or object that brings pleasure? No...No...No...then why in the name of all that is good for average English-speaking citizens would someone say "seent"? The answer is quite simple...because they can! Don't forget that an ignorantic always favors the "t" over any other letter because it produces emphasis. When you are an ignorantic, you want to sound educated and nothing says educated more than a "t". The "t" creates the illusion that you are correct; you are articulate, you are in control! So, if you "seent" someone, it sounds much better than the boring, yet correct, "saw" or "seen".

Now, let's move on to the double layering of ignorantics. No good ignorantic worth its salt will commit a single ignorantic...it must be at least a double. A double in the same sentence for effect. Therefore, when you hear that the ignorantic "seent someone kilt dead", you immediately blink your eyes to get rid of the gloss over, adjust your neck, and quietly begin your convalescence. I know its not easy but ignorantics make it hard for those of use who know that "kilt" is a Scottish  knee-high garment. The fact that "kilt" is a garment, as opposed to a verb never occurred to an ignorantic because they don't know about Scotland. So, if you don't know, then what do you do? You go out on the limb and create words, speak them consistently and refutably without fear of retribution.

Trying to correct the ignorantic becomes troublesome as well. You will conjugate with them, start with prefixes, use flash cards, and as a last resort...the mirror. I've said in previous posts that the mirror usually breaks the ignorantic. Only because it is the first opportunity for them to see that which they speak. The ignorantic can stand in front of a mirror, smile and say that they "seent someone kilt dead". When this happens, usually there is some sort of visceral, involuntary response like a twitch or a blink which signifies to most of us that the ignorantic realizes they just said something that was grammatically incorrect. However, its not that simple. Most ignorantics suffer from non-verbal ticks because of their abuse of the English language. If you love an ignorantic and you don't want them to drop the "seent" or "kilt" bomb at a public dinner with friends, a political fundraiser, a classroom, in a Powerpoint, or a group prayer [i.e.,Lord, you've seent the worst of me, there have been others who have tried to kilt my spirit but I know that you have seent me through this -this was a real prayer that I heard on a prayer line], listen to what I am about to say. You cannot get creative while trying to correct them; it will only confuse them, especially if you use comparisons that have become too familiar. For example, when trying to correct the use of the word "kilt" as a verb and knowing that the ignorantic does not know about Scotland, please do not bring up Scotch. That is a liquor that will evoke euphoria instead of disdain. Mentioning liquor will make them think of happy times, and you will continue to hear "kilt" when you least expect it.


Therefore, if anyone of you witness or seent someone kilt dead, please call the police or the "ambalamps" as soon as possible!

Here's an afterthought: Can you kill someone once they are already dead? I'm just saying...
©2010 

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Oh Snap! There’s a New Candy on the Market: Go Diva Chocolates!

If you are a chocolate connoisseur, cover your ears and stop reading because the following revelation is sure to send you into anaphylactic shock.

I hadn’t heard of it, nor had I ever heard the word uttered…that is until I was shopping one Saturday afternoon in T.J. Maxx. As usual, there was a long line and T.J. Maxx always conveniently has a maze of little trinkets, electronics, gourmet coffees, candies, mugs, etc. for one to look at while waiting for the cashier. Just before I reached the cashier, there was a lovely display of chocolates. They were Godiva Chocolates. Now, in all fairness to the brand and its legacy, I think it appropriate to give a little history on the brand to put the defamation that happened next into its proper context.


Godiva Chocolatier is a manufacturer of premium chocolates and other related products. Wikipedia states that Godiva, also sells truffles, coffee, cocoa, biscuits, dipped fruits and sweets, "Chocolixir" beverages, wedding and party favors and other items arranged in gift baskets. Godiva's signature package is the Gold Ballotin (French for "small, elegant box of chocolates"). Godiva also produces seasonal and limited-edition chocolates with special packaging for all major holidays. Godiva also has license agreements for the production of ice cream, cheesecake, coffee pods and liqueur that comes in several chocolate-related flavors.

Classy candy for classy folks, right?

Now, that I have properly re-introduced you to what most of us commonly refer to as Godiva Chocolates; let me discuss the butchery that took place inches from the Godiva Chocolates display in TJ Maxx. A young lady, who I would guess was probably in her thirties looked at the chocolates, paused for a few minutes, moved her lips as if she was perseverating over how she was going to pronounce “Godiva”, then suddenly, wantonly and completely without provocation loudly ousted “Why come these Go Diva Chocolates don’t have a price on them? Are they on Clarence?” [I’ll give you a chance to digest this…you can read it again if you wish, but don’t read it more than twice]

Ok…adjust your neck and back…I know; multiple layers of ignorantics in this one example. It’s hard to fathom, but it happens; and it happens when you least expect it. So, let’s peel back the layers of ignorance one by one. First, “Why come?” “Why” is usually used to signify “for what reason”. It’s an interjection often used to signify hesitation or surprise. Now, “come” when used here is meant to state that it just came to the mind of the speaker. The interesting thing about this incident is that this young lady (who will hereinafter be referred to as “Miss Pronounce”) was indeed an ignorantic, and she spewed her web of ignorantical banter because it did just “come” to her mind. She didn’t know the name Godiva, never heard of it, and never tasted it. So, she did what any reasonable ignorantic would do; she broke down the word so that she could say it: G….O…. and then, the rest of the word is…D I V A. Kinda makes sense once you break it down phonetically, right? [that was a rhetorical question]

Ok, moving along...let’s address the fact that Miss Pronounce was inquiring about whether the Go Diva Chocolates were on “Clarence”. [blank stare] Now, I know that at first blush, this ignorantic does not jump out at you immediately, except for the fact that Miss Pronounce is substituting the word “clearance” with the word, or should I say the name, “Clarence”. You can call it dialect, regional linguistic swag, I call it ignorant! My apologies to the chocolate connoisseurs of the world. You did not deserve this. My advice to you is to stay out of stores, like T.J. Maxx, that sell exorbitant chocolates for less than $4; stay out of stores, like T.J. Maxx, who regularly have products on “Clarence”; and stay out of stores where ignorantics breed “irregardless” of the good prices! I can’t get any more “pacific” than that!
©2010

Hey Palin...Give Me Sum "Dap" Gurl, You Refudiated All Your Critics!

On July 18, 2010, Sarah Palin made all Ignorantics proud...she gave them some virtual "dap" when she tweeted:

"Refudiate," "misunderestimate," "wee-wee'd up." English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!" 

Who can mispronounce and make up words with style, class and indifference better than former Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin? She doesn't read magazines, she can see Russia from her State of Alaska, and she can shop with the best of them on the Republicans tab. She is the political poster child for Ignorantics, and today, they are walking and talking proud because of her presence in the political arena. Now, don't "misunderestimate" her...just when you thought it was safe to have a Caramel Macchiato in Starbucks, in walks the Sarah Palins of the world who will "refudiate" every myth you ever had about politicians. She is a mainstay, a regular tea party guest speaker...she can get you pumped up, then she will mince words, history, geography, and common sense in a Ginzu-like process. Go DIVA!

 ©2010

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Let's Go Back to Basics, Ignorantics...

This poster is also available in a laminated wallet-size. It can be very handy when you want to be included in a conversation, but you are not sure if what you are about to say is correct. Whip this out, glance at it for reassurance, then place it back in your wallet.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

How many times have you been to a “Liberry”?


Has anyone ever been to a liberry? You know…that building where you find thousands of books that can be read for FREE. If you have never visited a liberry, than ask an ignorantic for a tour. They know all about the liberry because it’s their special place; in fact, it’s their word. They made it; and what is ironic about this particular ignorantic is that it is used to describe a place (library) where people go to read, view and listen to literary and artistic materials, such as books, periodicals, newspapers, pamphlets, prints, records, and tapes for FREE. So why does the ignorantic mispronounce the depository that can cure them of their ailment? The answer is simple. They don’t know.

They don’t know, but can then be taught to know better? Can they be cured so they can use the library and be freed from this life of catastrophic mispronunciations. Sure. Let’s use the Google cheat sheet again, and type the word “liberry”. Would it shock you to learn that the search results are “did you mean library?” If you count yourself in the group of people who don’t belong to the ignorantic sect, than you are not shocked by these results…they may be results to you, but to an ignorantic, they are a revelation.

Liberry could possibly be #2 on my list, behind “pacific”, of  “Top Ignorantic Terms” because everyone says it from time to time. Children, particularly toddlers, when they begin speaking say liberry. It is cute, and you lovingly correct them as they begin their battle through phonics. However, on an adult, it is not cute, it’s ignorant! I hear it everyday and the only way to break the cycle (after you have Googled it, of course) is to look at the word. L  I  B  R  A  R  Y.  Look at it.  Look really hard. Do you see where some smart ass dropped in an “R”, and rocked your world (I’m talking to the ignorantics now)? You have to pronounce that “R”. You can’t “pass” on it; it’s required.  So, go ahead…say it…L  I   [B  R  A  R  Y]…It’s getting easier now, right? I’m glad I could help.
© 2010.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Let Me Be More "Pacific"!

Now, how many times have you heard the chronic ignorantic say they need to get more "pacific"? Isn't it astonishing the way it just rolls off their tongue like it’s actually correct? Of all the ignorantic words in the ignorantic language, this one makes me reach for my Tylenol. It has got to be the most widely used ignorantic in free expression.

You know what really tickles me about the use of this word? It’s the look on the speaker's face when they use it. They always look like they are about to use this really complicated word that they are unsure of, so they load the word up with extra emphasis. Nothing says ignorant like an ignorantic who decides he or she must become emphatically incorrect.

Recently, I attended a training where the moderator put together a PowerPoint slide presentation. I must add that this moderator has a PhD. Let's call him Dr. Destroy because he serves ignorantics on a silver plate with a spoon. I mean this man takes the verb biscuit and sops up every tense (present, past, and future) and throws it into the same sentence like a delicious meal. The only problem is that his audience is usually gagging on the split verbs and the lack of subject verb agreement; so much so, that they can't eat the meal...in other words, they miss the message. Ok, so...Dr. Destroy started his PowerPoint presentation, and things were rolling fine until he got to Slide 4. At the beginning of slide 4, in an attempt to make a cute segue from one thought to another without the use of transitional verbs, phrases, or simple pauses...he began spraying the unsuspecting audience with “pacifics”…one after the other…in rapid succession like an AK-47. We were all in a daze, wounded and defenseless; we had just been assaulted by a chronic ignorantic.

After the meeting, everyone was so shell-shocked, no one dare correct him or suggest not using the word “pacific” for fear of a repeated attack or even worse, more words from his arsenal. So, we just let time heal our wounds, but I was not going to let this happen again…I couldn’t…I wouldn’t. I called him and scheduled a lunch appointment. I thought a more intimate, familiar setting would ease him into this therapeutic session. Since location is important in the process, I chose a location that inspires ignorantics and makes them so comfortable, you may witness several spurts of ignoranticism while dining: McDonald’s. We ordered our lunch and sat down next to the window (light is extremely important when using intervention with ignorantics). I waited for him to complete 2/3 of his meal, and then I hit him with my first ignorantical lay-up. “Dr. Destroy, are you familiar with the Pacific Ocean?” He paused as if he knew where I was going, then he said “Yes, isn’t it near the Cajun Islands where are the billionaires hide their money?” [blank stare] What just happened? In the midst of an intervention, I get hit with a geographic ignorantic; one I had never heard before today. It was alarming. I was stunned.

It took me several painful minutes to re-group, but after I did re-group, I decided to immediately address the Cajun Islands ignorantic. I decided to use the Google cheat sheet approach and say “Did you mean Cayman Islands?” He replied, “Yes, I meant the Caymen Islands…” I enjoyed a brief sigh, then decided that since I was on a roll, I had to address “pacific” while he was in step two of the intervention: acceptance. “Dr. Destroy..” I said, “I wanted to give you this beautiful picture of the Pacific Ocean”. He paused…smiled and said, “It’s beautiful, but why the Pacific Ocean?” I repeated “Why the Pacific Ocean?” Step three is a rapid succession of questioning using the ignorantic term so the ignorantic can begin processing their misuse of the word. I looked at him…I could see him processing the word. The light conversation about “pacific” over a Big Mac coupled with the picture of a large body of water gave him reason to pause. I was elated; I had him…it worked. Then, he said those words every counselor wants to hear “I use Pacific all the time, but I use it incorrectly”. Eureka! He’s cured! The word and picture association along with the Big Mac worked! I was dizzy from the euphoria. Counseling an ignorantic can be exhausting; this intervention went quicker than I expected.

After leaving the McDonald’s and discussing the specifics of the misuse of “pacific”, we both got into our cars and started home. I felt victorious. I wanted to celebrate. So, I stopped at the liquor store to get a bottle of white wine. Big mistake. As soon as I entered the store, I heard “How come this wine don’t got no price on it?” I instantly became paralyzed…in fact, I couldn’t feel my legs. It was a senseless act of violence on the English language that was unforeseeable. The minute the blood began circulating in my legs again, I quickly left the store without the wine. What was I thinking? A liquor store is the breeding ground, mating place for ignorantics. Why didn’t I go for Starbucks? Starbucks is torture to the ignorantic because all the drinks are more than two syllables. They fear ridicule when ordering. I should have gone there.
© 2010.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

How many People Have a "Zinc" in Their Kitchen/Bathroom?

Well, lets start with the basics. When you look up the word "zinc" in Wikipedia, it states: 
Zinc (from German: Zink), also known as spelter, is a metallic chemical element; it has the symbol Zn and atomic number 30. It is the first element in group 12 of the periodic table. Zinc is, in some respects, chemically similar to magnesium, because its ion is of similar size and its only common oxidation state is +2. Zinc is the 24th most abundant element in the Earth's crust and has five stable isotopes. The most exploited zinc ore is sphalerite, a zinc sulfide. The largest exploitable deposits are found in Australia, Canada, and the United States. Zinc production includes froth flotation of the ore, roasting, and final extraction using electricity (electrowinning).
Now, you are probably wondering why I went through the trouble of posting the Wikipedia definition of zinc. The answer is quite simple. There needs to be a differentiation between a chemical element (zinc) and the a water basin fixed to a wall or floor that has a drainpipe which generally pipes a supply of water (sink). Ok...so the definition has been covered, but there still may be some confusion. Remember, your classic ignorantic doesn't know that he or she is ignorant. They don't understand that the words that they have heard and spoken since childhood are actually incorrect. Therefore, we must move to the next step: self-awareness.

Perhaps maybe a little exercise might cure the ignorantic of this perpetual spell of ignorance. I suggest the mirror. In fact, use the mirror in your bathroom. Go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and ask yourself "Can I wash my hands in the zinc"? After you have completed the question, if you immediately frown, signifying that what you just said made no sense, then you have been cured. There is hope. However, if you remain in the mirror and continue to repeat the question as if you could wash your hands in a chemical element, then there is a problem. You are officially a career ignorantic.

Career ignorantics are professional ignorantic speakers in denial. They murder the King's English with little impunity. They do not fear the lack of subject-verb agreement, tense improprieties, misused plural nouns, dangling participles, and words they create and use with fluidity. They fear no retribution because they have company...lots of company; in the churches, in their social clubs, in their schools, on their jobs, and in their family. It's a way of life, a culture, a common thread that binds them.

Those of us who clearly know the difference between zinc and sink are probably laughing at this, but can you imagine how the ignorantic feels? Perhaps, in my next post, I'll get more "pacific"!
© 2010.

What is Skrimp?

What is skrimp? When you go into the supermarket to buy seafood, you clearly see that the item is called "shrimp" but when you are among colleagues (and in many instances, this includes those individuals that may have served time with you), associates, friends, and family, you called in "skrimp". This is not an issue that relates to regional dialects, ebonics, colloquialisms, etc....it's just damnit ignorant, and those who perpetually use it are on my list of habitual offenders.

Since this Blog is not only dedicated to exposing ignorantics but also helping them, I would like to discuss how the latter can be done. Now, you may ask "How can I stop saying skrimp?" Well, here are a few suggestions: (1) when you look at the word "skrimp", think about what its actually called in Western society; and (2)  when you are saying "skrimp", ask yourself "does this sound right?"  You can be saved if your answer to #2 is "no", but if you are determined to sustain your status as an ignorantic, than I recommend the following "cheat sheet". Google the word "skrimp" or "skrimp defined" , and if at the top of the page,  you get the phrase "showing results for skrimp...did you mean "shrimp"? Then, you have your answer!

Stay tuned folks, because my next post will discuss those ignorantics who are still washing their hands in the "zinc"! [blank stare]
© 2010.