Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Oh Snap! There’s a New Candy on the Market: Go Diva Chocolates!

If you are a chocolate connoisseur, cover your ears and stop reading because the following revelation is sure to send you into anaphylactic shock.

I hadn’t heard of it, nor had I ever heard the word uttered…that is until I was shopping one Saturday afternoon in T.J. Maxx. As usual, there was a long line and T.J. Maxx always conveniently has a maze of little trinkets, electronics, gourmet coffees, candies, mugs, etc. for one to look at while waiting for the cashier. Just before I reached the cashier, there was a lovely display of chocolates. They were Godiva Chocolates. Now, in all fairness to the brand and its legacy, I think it appropriate to give a little history on the brand to put the defamation that happened next into its proper context.

Godiva Chocolatier is a manufacturer of premium chocolates and other related products. Wikipedia states that Godiva, also sells truffles, coffee, cocoa, biscuits, dipped fruits and sweets, "Chocolixir" beverages, wedding and party favors and other items arranged in gift baskets. Godiva's signature package is the Gold Ballotin (French for "small, elegant box of chocolates"). Godiva also produces seasonal and limited-edition chocolates with special packaging for all major holidays. Godiva also has license agreements for the production of ice cream, cheesecake, coffee pods and liqueur that comes in several chocolate-related flavors.

Classy candy for classy folks, right?

Now, that I have properly re-introduced you to what most of us commonly refer to as Godiva Chocolates; let me discuss the butchery that took place inches from the Godiva Chocolates display in TJ Maxx. A young lady, who I would guess was probably in her thirties looked at the chocolates, paused for a few minutes, moved her lips as if she was perseverating over how she was going to pronounce “Godiva”, then suddenly, wantonly and completely without provocation loudly ousted “Why come these Go Diva Chocolates don’t have a price on them? Are they on Clarence?” [I’ll give you a chance to digest this…you can read it again if you wish, but don’t read it more than twice]

Ok…adjust your neck and back…I know; multiple layers of ignorantics in this one example. It’s hard to fathom, but it happens; and it happens when you least expect it. So, let’s peel back the layers of ignorance one by one. First, “Why come?” “Why” is usually used to signify “for what reason”. It’s an interjection often used to signify hesitation or surprise. Now, “come” when used here is meant to state that it just came to the mind of the speaker. The interesting thing about this incident is that this young lady (who will hereinafter be referred to as “Miss Pronounce”) was indeed an ignorantic, and she spewed her web of ignorantical banter because it did just “come” to her mind. She didn’t know the name Godiva, never heard of it, and never tasted it. So, she did what any reasonable ignorantic would do; she broke down the word so that she could say it: G….O…. and then, the rest of the word is…D I V A. Kinda makes sense once you break it down phonetically, right? [that was a rhetorical question]

Ok, moving along...let’s address the fact that Miss Pronounce was inquiring about whether the Go Diva Chocolates were on “Clarence”. [blank stare] Now, I know that at first blush, this ignorantic does not jump out at you immediately, except for the fact that Miss Pronounce is substituting the word “clearance” with the word, or should I say the name, “Clarence”. You can call it dialect, regional linguistic swag, I call it ignorant! My apologies to the chocolate connoisseurs of the world. You did not deserve this. My advice to you is to stay out of stores, like T.J. Maxx, that sell exorbitant chocolates for less than $4; stay out of stores, like T.J. Maxx, who regularly have products on “Clarence”; and stay out of stores where ignorantics breed “irregardless” of the good prices! I can’t get any more “pacific” than that!

Hey Palin...Give Me Sum "Dap" Gurl, You Refudiated All Your Critics!

On July 18, 2010, Sarah Palin made all Ignorantics proud...she gave them some virtual "dap" when she tweeted:

"Refudiate," "misunderestimate," "wee-wee'd up." English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!" 

Who can mispronounce and make up words with style, class and indifference better than former Alaskan governor, Sarah Palin? She doesn't read magazines, she can see Russia from her State of Alaska, and she can shop with the best of them on the Republicans tab. She is the political poster child for Ignorantics, and today, they are walking and talking proud because of her presence in the political arena. Now, don't "misunderestimate" her...just when you thought it was safe to have a Caramel Macchiato in Starbucks, in walks the Sarah Palins of the world who will "refudiate" every myth you ever had about politicians. She is a mainstay, a regular tea party guest speaker...she can get you pumped up, then she will mince words, history, geography, and common sense in a Ginzu-like process. Go DIVA!


Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Let's Go Back to Basics, Ignorantics...

This poster is also available in a laminated wallet-size. It can be very handy when you want to be included in a conversation, but you are not sure if what you are about to say is correct. Whip this out, glance at it for reassurance, then place it back in your wallet.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

How many times have you been to a “Liberry”?

Has anyone ever been to a liberry? You know…that building where you find thousands of books that can be read for FREE. If you have never visited a liberry, than ask an ignorantic for a tour. They know all about the liberry because it’s their special place; in fact, it’s their word. They made it; and what is ironic about this particular ignorantic is that it is used to describe a place (library) where people go to read, view and listen to literary and artistic materials, such as books, periodicals, newspapers, pamphlets, prints, records, and tapes for FREE. So why does the ignorantic mispronounce the depository that can cure them of their ailment? The answer is simple. They don’t know.

They don’t know, but can then be taught to know better? Can they be cured so they can use the library and be freed from this life of catastrophic mispronunciations. Sure. Let’s use the Google cheat sheet again, and type the word “liberry”. Would it shock you to learn that the search results are “did you mean library?” If you count yourself in the group of people who don’t belong to the ignorantic sect, than you are not shocked by these results…they may be results to you, but to an ignorantic, they are a revelation.

Liberry could possibly be #2 on my list, behind “pacific”, of  “Top Ignorantic Terms” because everyone says it from time to time. Children, particularly toddlers, when they begin speaking say liberry. It is cute, and you lovingly correct them as they begin their battle through phonics. However, on an adult, it is not cute, it’s ignorant! I hear it everyday and the only way to break the cycle (after you have Googled it, of course) is to look at the word. L  I  B  R  A  R  Y.  Look at it.  Look really hard. Do you see where some smart ass dropped in an “R”, and rocked your world (I’m talking to the ignorantics now)? You have to pronounce that “R”. You can’t “pass” on it; it’s required.  So, go ahead…say it…L  I   [B  R  A  R  Y]…It’s getting easier now, right? I’m glad I could help.
© 2010.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Let Me Be More "Pacific"!

Now, how many times have you heard the chronic ignorantic say they need to get more "pacific"? Isn't it astonishing the way it just rolls off their tongue like it’s actually correct? Of all the ignorantic words in the ignorantic language, this one makes me reach for my Tylenol. It has got to be the most widely used ignorantic in free expression.

You know what really tickles me about the use of this word? It’s the look on the speaker's face when they use it. They always look like they are about to use this really complicated word that they are unsure of, so they load the word up with extra emphasis. Nothing says ignorant like an ignorantic who decides he or she must become emphatically incorrect.

Recently, I attended a training where the moderator put together a PowerPoint slide presentation. I must add that this moderator has a PhD. Let's call him Dr. Destroy because he serves ignorantics on a silver plate with a spoon. I mean this man takes the verb biscuit and sops up every tense (present, past, and future) and throws it into the same sentence like a delicious meal. The only problem is that his audience is usually gagging on the split verbs and the lack of subject verb agreement; so much so, that they can't eat the meal...in other words, they miss the message. Ok, so...Dr. Destroy started his PowerPoint presentation, and things were rolling fine until he got to Slide 4. At the beginning of slide 4, in an attempt to make a cute segue from one thought to another without the use of transitional verbs, phrases, or simple pauses...he began spraying the unsuspecting audience with “pacifics”…one after the other…in rapid succession like an AK-47. We were all in a daze, wounded and defenseless; we had just been assaulted by a chronic ignorantic.

After the meeting, everyone was so shell-shocked, no one dare correct him or suggest not using the word “pacific” for fear of a repeated attack or even worse, more words from his arsenal. So, we just let time heal our wounds, but I was not going to let this happen again…I couldn’t…I wouldn’t. I called him and scheduled a lunch appointment. I thought a more intimate, familiar setting would ease him into this therapeutic session. Since location is important in the process, I chose a location that inspires ignorantics and makes them so comfortable, you may witness several spurts of ignoranticism while dining: McDonald’s. We ordered our lunch and sat down next to the window (light is extremely important when using intervention with ignorantics). I waited for him to complete 2/3 of his meal, and then I hit him with my first ignorantical lay-up. “Dr. Destroy, are you familiar with the Pacific Ocean?” He paused as if he knew where I was going, then he said “Yes, isn’t it near the Cajun Islands where are the billionaires hide their money?” [blank stare] What just happened? In the midst of an intervention, I get hit with a geographic ignorantic; one I had never heard before today. It was alarming. I was stunned.

It took me several painful minutes to re-group, but after I did re-group, I decided to immediately address the Cajun Islands ignorantic. I decided to use the Google cheat sheet approach and say “Did you mean Cayman Islands?” He replied, “Yes, I meant the Caymen Islands…” I enjoyed a brief sigh, then decided that since I was on a roll, I had to address “pacific” while he was in step two of the intervention: acceptance. “Dr. Destroy..” I said, “I wanted to give you this beautiful picture of the Pacific Ocean”. He paused…smiled and said, “It’s beautiful, but why the Pacific Ocean?” I repeated “Why the Pacific Ocean?” Step three is a rapid succession of questioning using the ignorantic term so the ignorantic can begin processing their misuse of the word. I looked at him…I could see him processing the word. The light conversation about “pacific” over a Big Mac coupled with the picture of a large body of water gave him reason to pause. I was elated; I had him…it worked. Then, he said those words every counselor wants to hear “I use Pacific all the time, but I use it incorrectly”. Eureka! He’s cured! The word and picture association along with the Big Mac worked! I was dizzy from the euphoria. Counseling an ignorantic can be exhausting; this intervention went quicker than I expected.

After leaving the McDonald’s and discussing the specifics of the misuse of “pacific”, we both got into our cars and started home. I felt victorious. I wanted to celebrate. So, I stopped at the liquor store to get a bottle of white wine. Big mistake. As soon as I entered the store, I heard “How come this wine don’t got no price on it?” I instantly became paralyzed…in fact, I couldn’t feel my legs. It was a senseless act of violence on the English language that was unforeseeable. The minute the blood began circulating in my legs again, I quickly left the store without the wine. What was I thinking? A liquor store is the breeding ground, mating place for ignorantics. Why didn’t I go for Starbucks? Starbucks is torture to the ignorantic because all the drinks are more than two syllables. They fear ridicule when ordering. I should have gone there.
© 2010.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

How many People Have a "Zinc" in Their Kitchen/Bathroom?

Well, lets start with the basics. When you look up the word "zinc" in Wikipedia, it states: 
Zinc (from German: Zink), also known as spelter, is a metallic chemical element; it has the symbol Zn and atomic number 30. It is the first element in group 12 of the periodic table. Zinc is, in some respects, chemically similar to magnesium, because its ion is of similar size and its only common oxidation state is +2. Zinc is the 24th most abundant element in the Earth's crust and has five stable isotopes. The most exploited zinc ore is sphalerite, a zinc sulfide. The largest exploitable deposits are found in Australia, Canada, and the United States. Zinc production includes froth flotation of the ore, roasting, and final extraction using electricity (electrowinning).
Now, you are probably wondering why I went through the trouble of posting the Wikipedia definition of zinc. The answer is quite simple. There needs to be a differentiation between a chemical element (zinc) and the a water basin fixed to a wall or floor that has a drainpipe which generally pipes a supply of water (sink). Ok...so the definition has been covered, but there still may be some confusion. Remember, your classic ignorantic doesn't know that he or she is ignorant. They don't understand that the words that they have heard and spoken since childhood are actually incorrect. Therefore, we must move to the next step: self-awareness.

Perhaps maybe a little exercise might cure the ignorantic of this perpetual spell of ignorance. I suggest the mirror. In fact, use the mirror in your bathroom. Go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and ask yourself "Can I wash my hands in the zinc"? After you have completed the question, if you immediately frown, signifying that what you just said made no sense, then you have been cured. There is hope. However, if you remain in the mirror and continue to repeat the question as if you could wash your hands in a chemical element, then there is a problem. You are officially a career ignorantic.

Career ignorantics are professional ignorantic speakers in denial. They murder the King's English with little impunity. They do not fear the lack of subject-verb agreement, tense improprieties, misused plural nouns, dangling participles, and words they create and use with fluidity. They fear no retribution because they have company...lots of company; in the churches, in their social clubs, in their schools, on their jobs, and in their family. It's a way of life, a culture, a common thread that binds them.

Those of us who clearly know the difference between zinc and sink are probably laughing at this, but can you imagine how the ignorantic feels? Perhaps, in my next post, I'll get more "pacific"!
© 2010.

What is Skrimp?

What is skrimp? When you go into the supermarket to buy seafood, you clearly see that the item is called "shrimp" but when you are among colleagues (and in many instances, this includes those individuals that may have served time with you), associates, friends, and family, you called in "skrimp". This is not an issue that relates to regional dialects, ebonics, colloquialisms, etc....it's just damnit ignorant, and those who perpetually use it are on my list of habitual offenders.

Since this Blog is not only dedicated to exposing ignorantics but also helping them, I would like to discuss how the latter can be done. Now, you may ask "How can I stop saying skrimp?" Well, here are a few suggestions: (1) when you look at the word "skrimp", think about what its actually called in Western society; and (2)  when you are saying "skrimp", ask yourself "does this sound right?"  You can be saved if your answer to #2 is "no", but if you are determined to sustain your status as an ignorantic, than I recommend the following "cheat sheet". Google the word "skrimp" or "skrimp defined" , and if at the top of the page,  you get the phrase "showing results for skrimp...did you mean "shrimp"? Then, you have your answer!

Stay tuned folks, because my next post will discuss those ignorantics who are still washing their hands in the "zinc"! [blank stare]
© 2010.