Let Me Be More "Pacific"!

Now, how many times have you heard the chronic ignorantic say they need to get more "pacific"? Isn't it astonishing the way it just rolls off their tongue like it’s actually correct? Of all the ignorantic words in the ignorantic language, this one makes me reach for my Tylenol. It has got to be the most widely used ignorantic in free expression.

You know what really tickles me about the use of this word? It’s the look on the speaker's face when they use it. They always look like they are about to use this really complicated word that they are unsure of, so they load the word up with extra emphasis. Nothing says ignorant like an ignorantic who decides he or she must become emphatically incorrect.

Recently, I attended a training where the moderator put together a PowerPoint slide presentation. I must add that this moderator has a PhD. Let's call him Dr. Destroy because he serves ignorantics on a silver plate with a spoon. I mean this man takes the verb biscuit and sops up every tense (present, past, and future) and throws it into the same sentence like a delicious meal. The only problem is that his audience is usually gagging on the split verbs and the lack of subject verb agreement; so much so, that they can't eat the meal...in other words, they miss the message. Ok, so...Dr. Destroy started his PowerPoint presentation, and things were rolling fine until he got to Slide 4. At the beginning of slide 4, in an attempt to make a cute segue from one thought to another without the use of transitional verbs, phrases, or simple pauses...he began spraying the unsuspecting audience with “pacifics”…one after the other…in rapid succession like an AK-47. We were all in a daze, wounded and defenseless; we had just been assaulted by a chronic ignorantic.

After the meeting, everyone was so shell-shocked, no one dare correct him or suggest not using the word “pacific” for fear of a repeated attack or even worse, more words from his arsenal. So, we just let time heal our wounds, but I was not going to let this happen again…I couldn’t…I wouldn’t. I called him and scheduled a lunch appointment. I thought a more intimate, familiar setting would ease him into this therapeutic session. Since location is important in the process, I chose a location that inspires ignorantics and makes them so comfortable, you may witness several spurts of ignoranticism while dining: McDonald’s. We ordered our lunch and sat down next to the window (light is extremely important when using intervention with ignorantics). I waited for him to complete 2/3 of his meal, and then I hit him with my first ignorantical lay-up. “Dr. Destroy, are you familiar with the Pacific Ocean?” He paused as if he knew where I was going, then he said “Yes, isn’t it near the Cajun Islands where are the billionaires hide their money?” [blank stare] What just happened? In the midst of an intervention, I get hit with a geographic ignorantic; one I had never heard before today. It was alarming. I was stunned.

It took me several painful minutes to re-group, but after I did re-group, I decided to immediately address the Cajun Islands ignorantic. I decided to use the Google cheat sheet approach and say “Did you mean Cayman Islands?” He replied, “Yes, I meant the Caymen Islands…” I enjoyed a brief sigh, then decided that since I was on a roll, I had to address “pacific” while he was in step two of the intervention: acceptance. “Dr. Destroy..” I said, “I wanted to give you this beautiful picture of the Pacific Ocean”. He paused…smiled and said, “It’s beautiful, but why the Pacific Ocean?” I repeated “Why the Pacific Ocean?” Step three is a rapid succession of questioning using the ignorantic term so the ignorantic can begin processing their misuse of the word. I looked at him…I could see him processing the word. The light conversation about “pacific” over a Big Mac coupled with the picture of a large body of water gave him reason to pause. I was elated; I had him…it worked. Then, he said those words every counselor wants to hear “I use Pacific all the time, but I use it incorrectly”. Eureka! He’s cured! The word and picture association along with the Big Mac worked! I was dizzy from the euphoria. Counseling an ignorantic can be exhausting; this intervention went quicker than I expected.

After leaving the McDonald’s and discussing the specifics of the misuse of “pacific”, we both got into our cars and started home. I felt victorious. I wanted to celebrate. So, I stopped at the liquor store to get a bottle of white wine. Big mistake. As soon as I entered the store, I heard “How come this wine don’t got no price on it?” I instantly became paralyzed…in fact, I couldn’t feel my legs. It was a senseless act of violence on the English language that was unforeseeable. The minute the blood began circulating in my legs again, I quickly left the store without the wine. What was I thinking? A liquor store is the breeding ground, mating place for ignorantics. Why didn’t I go for Starbucks? Starbucks is torture to the ignorantic because all the drinks are more than two syllables. They fear ridicule when ordering. I should have gone there.
© 2010.