Ode to Ignorantics With Spellcheck: Candidate for a Pullet Surprise

Candidate for a Pullet Surprise

Jerrold H. Zar
Northern Illinois University

I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.

Eye ran this poem threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in it's weigh.
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a bless sing,
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when eye rime.

Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore a veiling checker's
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if we're lacks oar have a laps,
We wood bee maid too wine.

Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know fault's with in my cite,
Of nun eye am a wear.

Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped word's fare as hear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaw's are knot aloud.

Sow ewe can sea why aye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea seas,
And why eye brake in two averse
Buy righting want too pleas.

-- Jerrold H. Zar
Department of Biological Sciences
Northern Illinois University
DeKalb, IL 60115-2864
jhzar@niu.edu

What is Your Ignorantic Score?

What is your Ignorantic Score? Here is the point scale:

[1] You are ignorant and you can't be helped because you don't realize you are ignorant (it is genetic); verbs and pronouns are not your friend, and it is very possible that your first and middle name were "made up" (i.e., LaTraysha, ReDanica, KaRonald, KaWalgreens, DeMoniker, etc.)

[2] You are ignorant with an attitude and you refuse to seek help (i.e., you practice your ignorantics and carry it with swagger) ;

[3] You are ignorant because you think it is fashionable to be ignorant (i.e., loud, wrong, but fashionable with the latest designer wear (fake and/or real);

[4] You are ignorant based on the region that you live in and everyone around you is just as ignorant as you (i.e., you continue to repeat incorrect words using your mideast, northeast or southern dialect);

[5] You are a borderline ignorantic with a slight chance of redemption [in ignorantic therapy, this is commonly referred to as "cloudy with a chance of rain"] (i.e., you are ignorant but continue to lull in your ignorance because you're lazy and you think its funny);

[6] You are beginning to understand that what you "think" and "say" at the same time is never going to come out right (i.e., you are a hyper ignorantic that cannot master your impulsive ignorantics - the words come out of your mouth before you have a chance to catch them);

[7] You are at the beginning of the reformation process; you have acknowledged your ignorance and you are beginning to take steps to correct it (i.e., you have been an ignorantic all of your life, but you just got a new job and you know you can't continue to speak like that around your co-workers);

[8] You are a modern day ignorantic who occasionally drops a few "I" bombs [ignorantic bombs] but you mean well (i.e., you present well but subject/verb agreement eludes you due to the casual nature in which you speak - you tend to be devoted to speaking in the vernacular);

[9] You overthink before you write and speak, often overusing spell-check and grammar check just so you can prove that you are not an ignorantic. This category also frequently attempts to rationalize or analyze ignorantic speech (i.e., you work in a field where writing is important and you would cringe if anyone caught a writing error in your email, your PowerPoint slides, or during a presentation/meeting);

[10] You are an educated Ignorantic who can and will drop a few "I" bombs BUT you know the difference and your use of Ignorantics may only occur 1-10 times per year [educated is defined as a college degree or better]

Ok...so what was your ignorantic score? If your score falls between 1-5, you still need help, and you should buy stock in the spell-checking feature on all word processing software, use Google DAILY, and buy William Strunk, Jr.'s The Elements of Style and use it like a Bible. If your score falls between 6-8, you are indeed an ignorantic, but you are beginning to turn the corner of hope because you made a conscious decision to take this test [I am proud of you...baby steps remember?]. If you scored a 9 or a 10, you are not safe, you are probably a reformed ignorantic in denial. Now, Mr. or Ms./Mrs. 9 or 10, you are probably saying to yourself, I scored high on this darn test, why is she calling me a reformed ignorantic? First, it takes one to know one. Second, the answer is quite simple: you took the test! You are not even sure if you are an ignorantic...

Please post your scores in the Comment box below, and tell us why you think you obtained that score. Come on...don't be scurd!